I Hated the First 8 Weeks of Freshman Year

I hated the first 8 weeks of freshman year. What did I just sign up for? Why did I waste my FAFSA for a "university education" when I hate all the teachers, SI leaders, and student-athletes? Why was there not any support for commuter students? I say with complete honesty that I was going to withdraw from classes before the spring semester. 

And then I signed up for a Time Management Appointment with an honest, caring tutor in grad school with a background in counseling. My mom talked about a counselor she had when she was 17. Liz understood my troubled mom and even worked on keeping her on after she aged out at 18. The Academic Skills Coach became my Liz. It was fun the first time meeting up in his office; I even fooled him for a while. But after a few weeks, I couldn't hold back how tired I was. He looked past the straight A's and well-timed smiles. Behind my "wall" was avoidance, zero confidence, and crippling loneliness. I was tired of pretending that I had it all together. I told him how much I hated everything about UIS. There were so many tears to work through in his office that I was not expecting from an academic skills coach. I guess I was tired of pretending that everything was okay. Rob my time management tutor told me to seek out a counselor. These biweekly appointments were the only place I felt like I wasn't fooling anyone. "Masking," a term to describe suppressing ADHD symptoms, since 6th grade became such a chore. Constant caffeine intake and unrealistic academic and personal standards led to me being in a constant state of stress. Pretending to be "normal" caused me so much brain fog and emotional pain. This lack of honesty with myself about how I was afraid I of failing and not being liked would not have been identified had I not set a a Learning Hub for time management. 

After feeling like I was finally being seen, I started seeing myself, too. I did not like Perfectionist Alli or the stress I put myself under. Customer Service Alli popped up in school to avoid bullying and with my grandparents and elderly family members to be the doll they could show off. I was scared to uncover the trauma from my past without these support systems because it all felt like an ugly identity crisis. Since these early breakdowns, I realized there was no chance that I would make it through college unless I was transparent about who I really am and what I was afraid of. 

I go to counseling now, and the counselor is helping me work through some past demons that resurfaced during this difficult transition from high school to college. Having a safe space where I can be honest about what is and is not going well has made my first semester of college bearable, and I see a change in who I am from when I started going to UIS. There will always be ups and downs, but the support I received while working through my first semester of classes and college experiences has grown who I am both academically and personally, and I am not crying after every class now. I still am not perfect, but now I am not pretending to be. I still do not have all the answers, but now I am not worrying about my lack of progress. I am taking it one day at a time and prioritizing getting to know myself. I started without any friends and without intentions of making any. Now, I branch out to the Student Union and hang out with classmates. I am building relationships with some of my professors, and being more receptive to my SI instructors. At week 16 of the first semester, I experience less frequent emotional breakdowns because I am working on uncovering the full person, brokenness, and all. The world is not against me, and neither is the University. I know that if I wanted to start a club for other commuter students, I could go to the Student Life area in the Union. 

So yeah, my time management appointments that I thought were going to be about time-blocking turned out to address some poorly hidden insecurities. Setting myself free from the pressure of being good enough for everyone else has been very meaningful. Because I felt I had support systems I never had access to before, I can work on who I am along with keeping my grades up during this first semester of college. I do not fantasize about dropping out, at least, not any more than any other college student does.

P.S (I like to think UIS helped me discover my weaknesses because of the high stress of the transition period of the first half of the semester. Time Management with my "Liz" gives me a person I cannot fool. The biweekly appointments allow them to see my attitude towards grades (and lack of checking out of fear) and the way I was obsessed with my planner. This has been my first experience going to see a (separate) counselor who focuses on the things I do and do not like about my life and the college experience. Self-care in this active way instead of only journaling has been nice because, I hate to say this, feels less lonely/isolating.)

P.P.S (Books I read after high school but before college that helped me address where my People Pleasing came from and what to do about it. Here's the List: 

1. The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence by Rachel Simmons

2. ADHD and The Edison Gene: A Drug-Free Approach to Managing the Unique Qualities of Your Child by Thom Hartmann

3. How to Hold A Grudge: From Resentment and Contentment- The Power of Grudges to Transform Your Life by Sophie Hannah. 

Apparently, I like books with really descriptive titles 😂)

So what do you guys think? What did college change about you? Where did you start drawing the line on boundaries? I would love to hear different perspectives on what causes your performance habits towards work and school. Women, what are your views on how society has shaped their expectations of acceptable gender behavior and the ostracization of non-conformist women?

Credits

"TV Show Woman GIF" by Fetish Series via GIPHY. 

"Stop It Mental Health GIF" by CBS via GIPHY.

"What's a Boundary GIF" by PumpRules_Gifs via GIPHY.